Diary of an 8-Bit Warrior: Crafting Alliances: An Unofficial Minecraft Adventure Read online

  "Let the mobs attack!! Let the creepers blow themselves up all night! In the morning, we’ll come out and thank them for helping us mine dirt and sand!! We’ll thank them since we won’t have to wear down our shovels!!"

  More cheers—

  it was ten times louder than Drill’s shouting.

  "The eastern wall … will not fall "

  Remember everything that happened in school yesterday? Today was exactly the same.

  Also, there was a new, um, special activity today: Escaping Zombies I. Drill changed into a dark green robe and painted his face with lime-green dye. He was the zombie. He also hid in the weirdest places.

  Imagine this: One second you’re just going to your next class, on time, minding your own business. And you think: I listened in my last class. I wrote things down. I asked some questions. Things are going good.

  Then someone looking very much like a freaky cross between a zombie, a witch, and a creeper bursts out of a supply room nearby. Roaring. Slobbering. Running straight for you.

  Slobber—running down his chin—mixed with green dye to resemble watery slime. Cave spiders, please move over. This is real terror.

  I’m not sure whether the green drool was intentional or what, but if Drill’s goal was to make the girls scream louder than a note block on the highest setting …

  well, mission accomplished.

  (the boys screamed too … )

  I mean, no one had told us about this. Everyone thought he was a new kind of zombie. As one might expect, anyone Drill caught was humiliated: They had to wear a dark green robe like his for the rest of the day. By the way, that was just the start for those poor kids.

  Later, Pebble, Donkey, and Rock took out their anger on such kids by dunking them in a well.

  I wasn’t one of them, though.

  Not today. No, my friends!

  When Drill burst through that door, I ran so fast I could’ve passed for an enderman, had I been wearing purple sunglasses and a black or dark gray robe.

  By the way, for the past three days, we’ve had to help repair some damaged areas of the village. That didn’t work out so well. I mean, my building score is pretty good, but … let’s just say there are some kids who can’t say the same. They made many, many mistakes—otherwise known as … Building Fails. (For any of my dear readers on Earth, I will point out that building in this world isn’t as easy as building in the computer game. Ever tried lugging a block of cobblestone around? Try it sometime.)

  I’m tired.

  Going to sleep now.

  "There was once a man named Herobrine," Brio called out as we ran and ran. "Sorry. Not once. He’s still alive. Anyway …

  "He’s lived for a very long time …

  "He’s seen this world’s earliest days …

  "He lived at a time when there were towns, castles, and vast kingdoms instead of just simple villages …

  "When ancient temples weren’t ancient …

  "When desert temples weren’t buried in sand …

  "When abandoned mine shafts weren’t abandoned …

  "When villagers weren’t known as villagers, but another name, long since forgotten …

  "When there was such a thing as magic.

  "This is what we are up against.

  "This is the enemy we face.

  "We must not let him win."

  Just like on Monday, I was so exhausted after training that, again, I collapsed face-first in some grass.

  At least nothing bad has happened to me lately, I thought.

  I haven’t been yelled at too much.

  I haven’t been singled out.

  It’s not so bad.

  But when I rolled onto my back and opened my eyes …

  "Congratulations, Runt. Your unit has been selected for a special role in Project Squidboat."

  I rubbed my eyes. "That’s, um … great, sir, but … what’s Project Squidboat?"

  The combat teacher gave me a toothy grin. I’m just thankful he wasn’t shouting, since his face was a block from mine.

  "Tomorrow, you and Emerald are going outside the wall."

  I didn’t say anything, but I thought:

  Oh, okay. That’s all, then.

  We’ll just go outside and wave to the mobs.

  Maybe go into their cozy little forest

  and join them for some tea and cookies.

  So, today … Project Squidboat has officially started. Basically, it’s a class on, um … "mob psychology." In other words, the mayor wants to learn more about how the mobs think. For whatever reason, my combat unit was chosen to do the dirty work. Since Breeze still isn’t at school, and since Urf isn’t around anymore, that meant … it was just Emerald and me.

  Hurrr.

  Okay, let’s go over what Project Squidboat is all about.

  See that pile of cobblestone over there? That was an area Brio called "the building site," or simply "the site." Emerald and I were to leave the safety of the wall by ourselves and begin building a house in this location.

  At the same time, the rest of the students were to stand on the wall with bows and arrows while they watched us build.

  What was the purpose of this,

  you ask?

  The idea was we’d build a house in front of the mobs’ forest … and see what the mobs did. Would they attack the house? Would they totally destroy it? My guess was that the mobs weren’t going to dance around, hold hands, and sing songs.

  But apparently Brio and Drill needed us to build a house in order to figure that out. Of course, one might ask why grown adults sent two twelve-year-olds outside instead of going out themselves.

  Real brave, those guys.

  "First," said Brio, "we want you two to make an odd-looking house."

  "The weirdest house you can possibly imagine," Drill added.

  "Of course!" Emerald flashed them a grin. "Leave it to us! Our house will be the strangest house you’ve ever seen! Funky with a capital F!"

  With these words, she patted me on the back and gave me a look that said: Don’t say anything to make them angry, noob, because I don’t feel like doing one hundred push-ups right now.

  Then she pushed me forward and said, "I think it’s time for someone strong and brave to lead this project."

  Great.

  I took a deep breath,

  staring at the gate in front of us.

  The gate in the eastern wall is a dual-lever-operated iron door system. If one door is blown up, there’s still another door to keep the mobs at bay—another village "building code."

  Fun fact: The doors can be opened only from the inside. Another fact: When Emerald and I stepped out into the plains, Drill shut the gate behind us. And yet another fact: When Drill shut the gate, I wanted to cry.

  And dig a hole in the ground. And cover the hole with dirt. And curl up into a ball.

  Emerald was looking all around. "Listen," she said, "you build the house and I’ll uh … I’ll watch your back."

  "Why me?"

  "C’mon. Screamy wants us to build a weird-looking house, right? That’s your thing."

  "What’s that supposed to mean?"

  She rolled her eyes. "Dude, you made a furnace house. You defeated a boss with a giant mushroom. You’re pretty much the king of weird. Besides, you have absolutely no fashion sense. I mean, look at your robe! And that cloak!"

  "Whatever." I grabbed a block of sand from my inventory. "As long as it means you’ll stop talking."

  She crossed her arms and looked away. "Y’know, you can be such a jerk!"

  But she looked back when I started digging and placing the foundation—sand.

  "What are you doing?!" she hissed. "We’re supposed to build a house, not a sand cast
le."

  I ignored her, keeping my eye on the forest … just in case the mobs decided to rush us. The slightest movement out there and I was gone. If a cloud looked too strange, or if some bat gave me a funny look—poof—even a mine cart on powered rails would have nothing on me. NOTHING. I didn’t see anything moving around, though. Soon, my masterpiece was finished.

  Yeah. A cactus house.

  With a roof made of melon blocks.

  Drill had given us a ton of building materials, after all. It was pretty much the strangest building I could think of, given the supplies. When we got back, Drill wasn’t just smiling—he was beaming like an enderman in a desert … he was beaming like a creeper in a cat-free zone … like a mooshroom named Binky. That last one probably doesn’t make sense to you.

  You see, Binky was this mooshroom I met once, and it was, like, ten times happier than a normal cow.

  So, like … smiling like that mooshroom means … smiling a lot.

  Seriously, um, never mind. I honestly forgot what I was talking about by trying to explain this to you.

  Anyway, Drill was happy, okay?

  "Well done," he said. "Well done … like a noob hugging a blaze!"

  (Wow, that analogy was even worse than my mooshroom one! I feel a lot better now.)

  Still looking at my house, Brio nodded in approval. Then I took a spot on the wall with Max and Stump, who applauded my new creation. But Pebble, Donkey, and Rock said it was the stupidest-looking house they’d ever seen.

  Um, wasn’t that the point … ?

  Noobs!

  Then, we waited, hidden behind the raised sections of wall.

  Before long, a group of zombies rushed out of the forest to inspect my cactus house. They were speaking in the ancient tongue again, so I couldn’t understand what they were saying … but they were obviously confused.

  Then the zombies got angry. They took out some axes and began chopping at my cactus house. They chopped and chopped until there was almost nothing left except for a few cactus blocks scattered in the sand. They actually took most of it with them. One zombie even roared angrily, and then he kicked a mined cactus block as hard as he could. It went sailing off into the plains.

  My lovely cactus house!

  How could they be so disrespectful?!

  After the zombies vanished into the woods, Drill stood up.

  "So the greenies aren’t as bright as we thought," he said. "Runt’s house confused them for a second, anyway."

  Emerald sighed. "That doesn’t mean much. Runt’s house had me confused."

  "It’s not very hard to confuse you," Max said.

  "Hmmph!"

  "Now, don’t fight," said Brio. "Because you two are going back out there."

  Emerald and I looked at each other before exclaiming simultaneously:

  "What?!"

  It was Stage II of Project Squidboat. This time, we had to build a beautiful house. Princess Whinerella decided to be the one to build that. Her house was what one might expect . . . except she added a sign. I forgot to do that.

  Again, we took off back to the wall. And again, the zombies came to inspect the house. A zombie took one look at the sign, grunted angrily, and kicked the sign over. Then the zombie shouted something, and even more zombies came out.

  "They don’t seem to notice us," Max whispered.

  He was right. We were hiding, but there were over a hundred of us. Surely one of them should have seen us peeking from behind the wall.

  "They must have really poor eyesight," I whispered back. "Maybe it’s the sunlight."

  Stump nodded. "We could use this to our advantage somehow."

  Hmm. Maybe Project Squidboat wasn’t such a bad idea. We’ve learned a lot about the mobs today.

  By this time, the zombies were chattering away in their low, guttural language. Then they totally trashed Emerald’s cute little house. One zombie stomped on every flower. Another zombie even tried eating a flower.

  By the way, the zombie was eating a blue orchid, which was roughly the same color as his shirt. So in this picture, it kinda looks like he’s eating his own shirt. He wasn’t, though. Of course, I could have changed the flower to, say, a pink tulip or something. But I’m going for accuracy here.

  As if that wasn’t enough, a creeper rushed in and exploded.

  There was nothing left.

  Drill came over to us when the mobs went back into the trees. "Well, that’s it for today," he said. "I think we’ve made some real progress today in understanding the enemy."

  I stood up.

  "Wait, sir. I … I’d like to try something else. I wanna go back out there."

  A few students gasped. Even Brio looked shocked.

  "What is it, Runt?"

  "It’s hard to explain." I paused. "Um, can I … um … err … have a stack of obsidian?"

  At the mention of obsidian, Drill got angry. "OBSIDIAN?! WHAT ARE YOU—"

  I was already preparing myself to do two hundred push-ups. Maybe three hundred. (Note: Someday, if I ever become a combat teacher, there will be no push-ups—only pumpkin pie–eating contests.)

  Brio interrupted him. He grabbed Drill and walked down the wall some ways away, and the two of them talked for a long time. Drill was making all sorts of gestures—obviously, he thought obsidian would be wasted on a project like this.

  When they finally came back, Brio said, "We have only one stack of obsidian left in the village supply. Urf took the other stack. Will you make good use of it?"

  I nodded. "I’m sure."

  "You’re really sure?"

  "Really sure."

  "You’re really, really, really sure? You will use this obsidian wisely?"

  "Really, really, really sure with an endercreeper on top. I will wisely use this obsidian."

  "Okay then. Here’s your obsidian."

  (It didn’t go exactly like that. But I’m just trying to stress how worried they were.)

  Here’s how worried they were: Brio and Drill worriedly exchanged worried glances of worryfulness. Enchanted with Worryfulness VII.

  (Worryfulness is probably not an Earth word. If there’s something like the Intergalactic Committee on Proper Spelling, please don’t report me to them. If you don’t report me, and you visit me in my village someday, I will have Stump personally bake you either three cookies or one cake. Your choice.)

  All right, so Brio gave me a stack of obsidian.

  By the way, I need to thank the builder noobs for this idea—the kids behind all those building mistakes. Within a minute, I was back outside, working on house number three. I know I’ve been talking about mooshrooms and worryfulness and having my best friend bake you stuff.

  I’m only twelve, okay?!

  My mind wanders.

  The important thing here is that I was building a house made of obsidian.

  Yes. An obsidian house was being built.

  Actually, it wasn’t so much a house as it was a … uh … well, I don’t really know what you’d call it.

  A simple five-by-five box. A large cube made entirely of obsidian. It had no doors, no windows, and no mechanisms of any kind. It could withstand creeper blasts, TNT blasts, and any tool less than diamond. Remember Boom Mountain?

  The mountain made entirely of TNT? This cube could withstand that. All of that.

  That’s how awesome a cube made of obsidian is. Not only was it mysterious, but the mobs had no way of destroying it. Unless they had diamond pickaxes. (And let’s face it, if the mobs have diamond pickaxes, well, we’ve already lost this war—wasting a stack of obsidian wouldn’t matter.)

  The zombies came back a third time, thoroughly confused. They punched the cube. (Why?!) Kicked it. Swung stone pickaxes at it. Three creepers even blew up right ne
xt to it. And when the smoke cleared, the cube was still there, unharmed, silently mocking their attempts. After that, the zombies dropped their pickaxes and ran back into the woods.

  They were afraid.

  "Interesting," Max said. "Fear of the unknown is the strongest type of fear. I read that somewhere."

  Stump patted me on the back. "Good work, dude. They’ll spend days trying to figure that thing out. That means we can relax. I really need to get some baking done!!"

  Drill didn’t know what to make of the cube. He was standing on the edge of the wall, studying it, scratching his chin and muttering to himself. When I turned to Brio … he was studying me. In silence. Was he angry? Did I do something wrong … ?

  Maybe I had wasted the only

  obsidian our village had. For nothing …

  Yeah, there was a lot more training today. But forget the training.

  By Friday afternoon, everyone was talking about the cube.

  After school got out, practically everyone in the village was up on the wall, watching.

  "All we need is popcorn," Mike said to Steve.

  Steve got the same look he gets when he’s talking about pizza. "Oh, man. Butter? Caramel? I’d pay fifty emeralds for even plain popcorn! What am I saying?! I’d eat popcorn kernels raw without even cooking them! Actually, what am I watching this cube for?!

  I should be working on recipes!"